this is really it.
i've been keeping all these crap to myself.
and today, i've reached my breaking point.

how much can i take.
how much do yall expect me to take.

so many things.
so many problems.
it's causing me so much misery.
but no one,
no one out there understands.

--

it was obvious i was pissed.
people can say they dont want to go for drill because they want to eat ice cream,
because they dont feel like it etc.
are yall being fair to the others.

i thought it was made very clear the other time that we must and we should lead by example. we want the juniors' drill to be up to standard. but look at ours lah. all talk no action. what's the point. yall say we must improve our own drill first before we have the right to pick out all the juniors' mistakes. i ask you. who is making the effort to go down now. everyone is busy. everyone has their own stuff to do. in the end, people dont turn up for drill for the most ridiculous reasons. 我认了。

i left halfway during drill today cos i couldnt take it anymore. i couldn't take my squadmates' terrible attitude. i couldn't take the fact that less than half the squad turned up for drill. i couldn't take the fact people didnt relay the message to the rest of the squad. i couldn't take the fact that what i'm seeing, what i'm hearing is what my squad does. this is my squad.

and so i broke down once again.
i know it's very loser crying over stuff,
esp when you know it won't change anything at all.
but im just like that.

homenursing. there is no difference btw me teaching alone and putting someone else with me. and i would rather i teach alone. how pathetic right. 1 person teaching the whole year 2 squad homenursing. and on the other side, you can have 5 people teaching another squad footdrill. why. yall know it very well yourselves. it has always been like this. but the fortunate thing is the year twos don't create any trouble for me. they are willing to learn. they volunteer to help knowing that i cannot really cope alone teaching them practical homenursing. and im thankful for that. at least it makes me feel that it's all worth it.

first aid. i shall let shinyi complain about this.

footdrill. forget it. you can scream at the juniors. you can say how disgusting their dressing is. you can pick up a thousand flaws in them. you can go on and on and on. and you'll never realise that your drill is like that too. drill is something which you dont have to be very good at in order to teach, all you need is a mouth to tell the juniors their mistakes. you can sound like you're a footdrill pro. whether or not you are talking bullshit, no one knows.

everytime people want to teach footdrill.
people fight to teach foordrill.
tell them to teach first aid and homenursing,
they come up with a whole load of crap why they cannot do that.

but the point is, you cannot do it, you learn.
if you're never going to learn, you're at the losing end.
so what now.
people cannot/dont want to teach homenursing,
ask me to go. i go.
people cannot/dont want to teach first aid,
ask us to go. we go.
call me the footdrill head.

im so freakin tired of facing this.
im so freakin tired of how yall take charge.
im so freakin tired of how yall make decisions w/o telling the squad.

im so freakin tired of you snatching all the work for yourself, doing more than you should be doing when it's the job of others. and in the end, you tell us you're doing a lot but all the while, you didn't realise that you've been hogging all the work for yourself, not allowing others to do it. face it. you just dont trust us with the work. you believe you can do a better job. and im exasperated talking to you.

yes.
i think i should have made it very clear that i am pissed during cca today.
i am pissed and im showing it.

training camp planning is so screwed now.
no one can believe how not prepared we are.
no one can believe we're still hovering at the planning stage.
like i've said,
everyone's busy.

算了。
i know i sound like the big bad wolf here.
putting all the blame on other people and defending myself.
sorry. i know im at fault too.
maybe at a bigger fault.

i wont be able to change anything in my squadmates.
but i know,
i know i can focus on changing my juniors,
nysjab's future leaders.
guide them. mould them. and they will excel.

--

today was supposed to be a happy day.
sorry.
sorry for being a spoilsport.

我不要了。
i dont know how you can stand my temper.
i dont know how you can stand giving in everytime.
i dont know how you can stand me throwing tantrums.
i dont know how you can stand me.
and,
i dont know how much longer this can last.

but i know,
you must be feeling hurt.
dont tell me you're not.

if i didnt tell you this before,
trust is very important to me.
it doesnt matter if you dont understand,
as long as you trust me.
and today proved.
i didn't trust you as much as i wanted myself to.
and im ashamed of that.
so how can i demand smth from you when i cannot even do it myself.

i really hate myself.
so should you.

算了吧。
dont tell me it okay. cos it's not.
dont tell me she wouldnt mind. cos i mind.
dont tell me its a small matter. cos it isn't, to me.

everything's so messed up now.
i need to piece my life back asap.
i dont know how,
but i'll try.

--

you. yes you.

i need you to be beside me now.

dont need for any words.

just be beside me.

i dont need you to lend me your ears.

i just need a shoulder for me to take a break.